Stylin' and Profilin'

Christmas shopping means lots of trips to the mall! While picking out presents, I’ve made some interesting observations about mall natives. In my experience, most shoppers can be categorized into one of several categories…

Super-ninja Shopper: Oh yes, we’ve all seen this category. This is the woman who walks so fast she accidentally trips little Timmy in the aisle at Dillard’s and doesn’t even realize what she did. This is the woman who looks down at her shopping list and when she looks up, her eyes have that singularly creepy, intense red glow—the look that says, “I know where I’m going, so don’t get in my way!” As the super-ninja shopper maneuvers through the mall, she breaks out in little beads of perspiration. Speeding up to get around the Sluggish Shopper, she begins sweating profusely, but doesn’t even realize because she’s so focused on getting to Macy’s to buy that sweater for Aunt Margo’s birthday before she has to pick up Bobby from baseball practice. Fortunately, the sweat becomes useful as a lubricant when Super-ninja Shopper needs to squeeze in between two sluggish shoppers.


Specious Shopper: You see her trying on Christmas dresses in Dillard’s. When you go to look at the leather jacket display in Wilson’s Leather, she’s there too. You see her repeatedly across the mall, but you haven’t seen her make a purchase yet. She gets in your way while your trying to choose a scarf for cousin Betty at Abercrombie, and she acts like she’s in a hurry, but once again she doesn’t buy anything. Pretty soon you start to think, “Hmm… her shopping seems a little specious.” She looks like she’s shopping, but she’s really just messing around leaving us no choice but to label her, the Specious Shopper!



Schizophrenic Shopper: One minute she’s looking in Gap, the next moment she’s dashed across to Annie’s Pretzels. You continue walking, but by the time you’re ready to check out at American Eagle, she’s in front of you in line. You slip into Starbucks, and she’s spilled her “Carmel Light Frappachino with Whipped Cream.” You slip on the spill and end up with Whipped Cream all over your new sweater dress. You leave before you get angry with her, but you find her once again at Foley’s with a huge cart full of shoes. You realize she is actually shopping, but her behavior is so sporadic and unpredictable that you just can’t get away!





Sluggish Shopper: This is the person who said to herself, “I don’t have anything to do today. I’ll go to the mall.” Oh yes, you cringe in horror as I mention this shopper. She’s the woman who blocks the red sweaters in Macy’s for what feels like 15 minutes because she can’t decide which one to try on. Of course, she ends up taking one of each. She’s the woman who walks SO SLOWLY past the Christmas display in the center of the mall that you simply HAVE to get around her. When you make your move to step around her, however, she randomly veers in your direction slowing you down even more. She’s shopping, but at her own rate… This shopper may be sluggish, but she leaves you wanting to slug her!

As fascinating as each of these species are, they’re behavior in a controlled environment leaves you yawning. In order to truly understand these different breeds, you must observe them in their natural habitat, THE JUNGLE (otherwise known as The Mall).

Let me recreate a typical convergence of these beasts for you… the Schizophrenic Shopper swerves across the un-written “walking path” between Banana Republic and H&M. She nearly runs into the Super-ninja Shopper whose brow knits into a furious little line at being thrown off track. As the Super-ninja Shopper attempts to maneuver speedily around the Schizophrenic Shopper, the Specious Shopper comes up behind the convergence and pretends to be upset because she too has been thrown off track (even though you’ll remember she’s not really doing anything). Super-ninja Shopper and Specious Shopper successfully bypass Schizophrenic Shopper—not without a few ugly glances, of course. Super-ninja Shopper and Specious Shopper start to have an un-spoken little race towards Express. Just as it appears Super-ninja Shopper will win, Sluggish Shopper cuts her off, and Specious Shopper enters Express masquerading as a Super-ninja Shopper. The real Super-ninja Shopper barely avoids running into Sluggish Shopper, who tells her to slow down and take a breath. Ignoring Sluggish Shopper, Super-ninja Shopper dashes into Express in a foul mood and out of breath. The Jungle is to be sure an undomesticated place full of riotous, unruly animals!!! What type of animal are you???

As you can see, I’ve been busy stylin’ and profilin’!!!